Abuse Is Never OK

This post is about something that is very personal to me and near and dear to my heart and could be triggering to some. Recently, I came across a post where one of my favorite social media celebrities confessed she was in an abusive relationship. I found this shocking because I viewed this girl as drop dead gorgeous and talented and would assume she had guys falling at her feet daily. I could not imagine something like this happening to her because for one, with looks like that I would think she would leave a man as soon as he messed up and could have him replaced at the snap of a finger. Secondly, I couldn’t imagine a man being stupid enough to do anything that would risk losing a woman like her. However, her revelation showed me that even the prettiest, talented, and richest of people can fall victim to abusive relationships.

First off, I want to acknowledge that abuse can happen between literally anyone and can occur in more forms than physical. One reason I would know this is because I have experienced it. Sometimes it’s hard to recognize that you’re even in an abusive situation and it seems even harder to leave. So if you’re experiencing this regardless if it’s sexual, physical, or emotional I want you to stay strong and realize it’s not your fault and you don’t deserve what you’re going through. You are worth so much more than what you’re abuser wants you to feel and believe.

I always thought I was too smart to end up in an abusive relationship but it just goes to show you that you never know when you’re dealing with the devil in disguise. It all started about four years ago. I had just turned 21 and was dealing with some mental issues. My self-esteem was pretty low. For starters, I didn’t feel beautiful because my friends attracted a lot of male attention and would make shady remarks about how I didn’t. I felt invisible and as if I didn’t matter because my roommates/friends had a closer bond with each other than they did with me and I often felt left out. I was also ready to give up on love because I was sick of failed talking stages and getting my time wasted and college overall just had me stressed. So when my ex approached me at a party I felt that he would be everything that I thought I needed at the time. Someone to make me feel beautiful and wanted. Now don’t get me wrong, that’s how your partner is supposed to make you feel but you shouldn’t depend on your partner to make you feel that way. A lesson I would learn the hard way later on.

The beginning of our relationship was great. He took me on dates, he was consistent, and he payed me plenty of attention. Something I wasn’t used to at all. Slowly, I was starting to let my guard down. What really sold me over was when the spring semester ended and I had to move back home with my mom for the summer; he was willing to make a hour long drive every week to see me since I didn’t have a driving license. I just knew he was the one because I thought that drive was the ultimate commitment. By this point I was sprung.

I was so in love that I ignored several red flags that he showed earlier. Flags such as how he had road rage and used the excuse that that was how he released his anger. For example if someone cut him off, he just had to cut them back off, give them finger, honk a horn or something. He just couldn’t let it go. He would also rant to me about different scenarios at his job (He was a server) and would complain how everyone was stupid and lacked common sense in comparison to him. I ignored how he wanted me to do everything he did. For example, he wanted me to get a serving job like him, he used certain products for his skin and teeth and would encourage me to use the same, he gets synthetic oil for his car when he gets an oil change so he would always tell me that I should too. He was always telling me to do the same things as him as if he wanted me to live my life the exact way he lived his. I also ignored how he belittled black people (He was a nigerian from Boston) and believed we were all lazy ghetto and ignorant. I even overlooked the fact that he lied to me about being a college student when in fact, he dropped out a few years before he met me. I also ignored the pathetic sob story he gave me about how his ex left him. A story that did not make sense and could have been a lie now that I think about it.

Now about a year and a half into the relationship my fairytale romance began to crumble. My ex and I were living in the same student apartment complex building since the beginning of our relationship but we stayed in separate apartments.However, i’m not sure how he managed to continue living in student living apartments since he technically was no longer a student. Due to the closeness of our living arrangement we spent plenty of our free time together (much to my delight.) Well anyways one night, we were spending the night together like we always did and about 3 in the morning he got up to use the restroom. When he got out I asked him to warm me up a meat pie. (Now keep in mind the mini fridge, microwave, and restroom were all in his bedroom). Well after he warmed it up he threw it at me.

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I couldn’t fathom how a simple favor could make him so mad. I remember we got into a small argument and I curled up in his bed and cried myself to sleep while he slept beside me completely unbothered. This was just the beginning of many problems. Arguing started to become a regular routine for us. At first it didn’t seem so bad even though it was constantly the same thing. He would lose his temper, I would get frustrated, my feelings would get hurt, I would cry and then he would apologize, acknowledge he had anger issues and promised to work on it. I fell for it every time despite the fact nothing changed. Eventually he stopped apologizing for his outbursts. Whenever he did anything that made me feel a type of way I would try to express my emotions and he would just simply dismiss me by telling me I was too sensitive, or too emotional or making stuff a big deal and would justify his tantrum with the phrase “Look at it from my point of view”. Often times I would try to look at things from his point of view to try to reach common ground in our fights but he would never look at things from point of view. As far as he concerned I was always overreacting. He even told me told me that this was just who he was and I needed to learn to deal with it. Then I would feel guilty somehow and always ended up being the one apologizing even though he was the one who lost his temper. He always used to blame his outbursts on how he was so stressed. You see his dream was to be a real estate agent but he wasn’t closing any deals. He felt that he was behind on his goals and wasn’t where he wanted to be in life. The more disappointments he faced in his real estate career the more temperamental he became. He was also stressed because he hated his serving job, he was financially struggling, and he had to keep up the continuous lie to his parents that he was a college student. He also had deep self-esteem issues that stemmed from both school and home. Now granted, he did have a lot going on but what I should have realized earlier was that he had no reason to take his anger out on me. I was just as stressed as him yet I respected him, so why should stress be an excuse for him to disrespect me? I remember there was an incident close to two years into our relationship. It was the week of valentines day. All week he had been hyping up how I would love my gift and he couldn’t wait to show me what he had gotten me. I was excited because I really thought he had went all out since he had been treating me so bad. Well. Valentine’s day arrived. I gave him his gifts. I waited for mine with a smile on my face as I looked at him. This man looked at me said and I quote”Don’t look at me like that, you’ll get your shit tomorrow.” I could not believe the nerve. He was upset because I was expecting a gift. A gift that he lied to me and said he already had. If he needed more time he could have easily just said that my gift would have been late. I would have understood. A late gift would have been better than no gift. I never even got anything. I think he just took me to a restaurant a day or so afterwards. Even though I was disappointed I tried not to show it and was grateful to just have a valentine. It disgusts me now to think about how low my standards were. This was just one of the many moments in our relationship where I should have kicked his narcissistic behind to the curb.

Instead of realizing that he didn’t respect me I made excuses for him. I convinced myeslf that this wasn’t who he really was, he just didn’t know how to deal with his stress. I convinced myself that once he got his life on track he would go back to being the same prince charming he was when I first met him. I failed to realize that prince charming was just an act and I was really sleeping with the enemy. To make matters worse he began to constantly criticize and belittle me. I would express my insecurities to him about how I wanted to learn to be more feminine. Rather than help me feel secure and confident in myself he would constantly harass me about how I needed to get my nails done. I couldn’t afford to get them done at the time and I remember trying to keep them painted in hopes of keeping him satisfied but it didn’t. I also remember mentioning how he could pay for them since he wanted them done so bad. He never did. He also used to complain about the fact that I was more comfortable wearing jeans and sweats and complained that he wanted me to dress girly so he could “feel like he had a girlfriend” as he once put it. I remember about two years and a half years into our relationship I cut my hair into a pixie updo and dyed it red. I felt so cute with my short hair and got plenty of compliments. At first he would compliment me too, but then he would encourage that I needed a weave as short hair was not his preference. He also began to criticize other things about me like how I was too old to not know how to apply makeup, or the fact that I didn’t know how to cook and he refused to teach me. He would also make jokes about me as if I was remedial and jokingly talk to me as if I was a dog or a toddler. I actually didn’t like that but since he did it in a joking manner I let it slide and would joking play along because I knew how his temper was and didn’t want to start an argument. I also expressed to him how I was body conscious so he would criticise me if I skipped a gym day or ate anything unhealthy around him or complain that my workouts were child play and did not compare to his. He tried to justify that one by saying that it was his way of motivating me to be more healthy and make a healthy lifestyle change. At this point nothing about me seemed like I was good enough for him. I was stressing myself out daily trying to figure out what was so bad about me that he felt comfortable enough to yell and judge me all the time. My number one focus in life became trying to figure out what was I doing wrong? I truly started to believe that I wasn’t good enough for him and was letting myself go in some way. What did I need to do to get him treat me like he did the first year of our relationship when everything was good? I started to feel like a failure as a girlfriend and a woman because he couldn’t seem to treat me right. I began to place the blame on myself and think if I was prettier, or if my body was built a certain way, or if I acted a certain way than maybe he would treat me properly. Our relationship also became a lot more sexual because that was the only time I felt that I was good enough for him. I became so used to his tantrums and criticism that I started to truly believe that sex was the only thing I had offer.

At one point I was trying to find a new job but it wasn’t working out and I became very discouraged and not myself for awhile. Now sometimes he did uplift me and gave me positive talks, but other times I had days where I didn’t even want to get out of bed and he would berate me saying I was too negative to be around. Yet whenever he went into one of his depressive moods I tried my best to be his therapist and make him feel like a king. Funny how I could be there for him and his emotional needs but when I needed the same treatment it was a problem. Like huh? Excuse me?

As if it wasn’t clear enough that our relationship was unhealthy I remember about two and a half years in when my friends started to have input about us. I went on a trip with my friends/roomate. One of my friends mentioned how I was dating a yoruba nigerian which led my other friend to ask “How do you put up with him”? I guess bad attitudes and temper tantrums were a known cultural quality for yoruba nigerians. I wanted to reply “Trust me it is not easy” but I didn’t want to give away that there was trouble in our relationship so I just smiled and laughed off the question. I also remember talking to a friend about him and I would tell her about our arguments and she responded shocked with the question “He gets mad over little stuff like that?” I also remember talking to my coworker about my ex and how often he would blow up at me and she said that I needed someone who would treat me like a queen. Like a fool I didn’t bother to listen to anyone because rather than recognize I was being abused and manipulated I convinced myself that like all couples we were just experiencing a rough patch. I would rather go through this and hope and pray for the best than be single again.

Other problems in our relationship included the fact that we had been together for years and I had never met his parents. He claimed that they saw pictures of me and knew who I was but that could have been a lie too. He claimed that his parents had a hard time accepting the possibility of him dating a black girl and he claimed they weren’t fond of black people either. I never met his homeboys either. The only reason I met one was because he just so happened to come visit my ex while I was already there. I don’t know why I was ok with being a secret. I guess anything went as long as I could say I had a boyfriend. He was also going out to parties a lot more but never invited me to come with. He said that this was his time with the boys. This bothered me but I never pressed it because expressing how I felt usually led to a fight. He never offered to go out to a party or club, or bar with me. We even coincidentally ended up at the same party on two different occasions. The first time he seemed annoyed that I was around him and left early and on the second occasion, I texted him and discovered we were both outside on the same crowded party street filled with small bars. He didn’t even bother to come see me. Just texted me have fun.

That summer our relationship went from bad to worse. He moved to a nearby city. Even though he treated me like shit, I didn’t want to see him go. I wanted to have as much access to him as possible since I hated being alone. He promised nothing would change and we would still see each other damn near everyday. At first we were visiting each other frequently and it was nice. We were spending alone time in his new place, he was showing me all the nice restaurants in his neighborhood. Then his visits to my place became more rare and I usually had to beg him to come over so I took it upon myself to visit him more. After awhile he started to complain that I was suffocating him. He was right because I pretty much moved myself in since he was visiting me less. I was trying to keep our dying relationship together as much as possible even if that meant suffocating him. I figured that the more I came around, then maybe he would finally see my worth and start treating me how a boyfriend should. After a few months that move became the worse thing to happen to our relationship. His real estate career still wasn’t doing too well and his bills were higher now. His stress level was through the roof. His temper tantrums and criticism were pretty much daily now and as usual he was never wrong for it but I was somehow in the wrong for feeling hurt by him. I remember one time it was nighttime and I was on my way to visit him. I stopped at a gas station near his house to pick us up some tacos. I did something dumb and broke my car key. Panicked and not sure what to do I called him for help. He told me he would be there in about 10-15 mins as soon as he finished his shift. When he arrived he was very helpful for about a good 10 mins. While we waited for a tow truck he completely went off. He told me I was a burden, I made his life more difficult, he felt like he was taking care of a child and I stressed him out. I was a hysterical mess that believed every word and he didn’t even care or say sorry. He just tried to blame it on how he was concerned for my safety and said the fact that I didn’t know what to do in that situation worried him. Such a bullshit ass excuse. Anyways, once the tow truck driver arrived and told us how to remedy the situation he completely switched gears and calmed down as if he didn’t just fly off the deep end two minutes before. That transition was almost scary to watch. It was as if someone turned off a switch and he became a whole different person. He literally went from 100 to 0 in a second. That should have been the final sign that something was really mentally wrong with this man and that I needed to leave but I didn’t. This dysfunction was starting to become normal to me. About two months later the biggest day of my life to date occurred: my college graduation. Guessed who missed it? Yep, him. He gave some lousy excuse about his punctuality and needing to work that day. He didn’t even bother to meet my family afterwards for the dinner or buy me a grad gift. I accepted so much of his BS.

A few months later I got a new job. A serving job. He was happy because he had been trying to convince me to get a serving job just like him ever since we first met. He was happy until he realized it was down the street from his house. It wasn’t my intent to get a job so close to his house it was just that I was so desperate to quit my job and that restaurant was the first job to call me back. Well he was frustrated and told me that I couldn’t use my new job as an excuse to spend extra nights at his place if I was too lazy to drive back home.

Now that really should have told me this relationship was beyond done because what man complains about his girlfriend of 3 years trying to spend time with him. In fact things were so bad between us I had to negotiate when I could come visit him. I would ask things like if I come visit you on Friday is it ok if I stay until Wednesday? Do you all understand how crazy that sounds? Lots of times he would try to hint that I was overstaying my welcome by asking me when was I leaving? And more often than not when I did come over I was home alone. He was either always at work, the gym, real estate related meetings, or just at starbucks working on building his clientele. Looking back on it he was doing whatever it took to get away from me without hurting my feelings. Whenever he did come visit me at my place he usually came at night and left as early as he could the next morning. Getting to spend a whole day with him was beginning to feel like a privilege instead of normal. It was becoming clear that this man no longer wanted me but I refused to believe it or let our relationship die.

I don’t know why I fought as hard as I did for us because it was obvious he gave up and the quality of our relationship wasn’t even worth fighting for out this point. All I knew was that I loved this man and I saw the man he used to be and really believed from the bottom of my heart that one day he would return. Unfortunately, that man was gone and replaced with a judgmental and temperamental control freak. But as crazy as it sounds, I craved his approval, I craved his attention, I wanted him to make me feel wanted again like he used to. However, I was getting the opposite. His house started to feel like a battlefield. Ever since he moved into his new apartment he criticized and yelled at me then more than ever before. He was a ticking time bomb and I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around him because the slightest thing would elicit one of his infamous tantrums. In fact any time I made a mistake around him or I felt like I was on the verge of making him mad my instant reaction was to just start apologizing before a situation could even pop off. He hated when I did that but he failed to realize his anger was the reason why I often did stuff like that. Another defense mechanism of mine was that whenever I felt I messed up or was about to make him mad I would ask “What did I do” so I could hurry and fix the situation. He also hated when I did that and complained I sounded like his six year old nephew but again he failed to see that this was a natural reaction to all his tantrums that I had been putting up with for about two years now.

About a month after I got my serving job I lost it. To make matters worse my ex broke up with me. I didn’t take it that serious because for the past year he always called for breaks in our relationship. He usually called these breaks because he felt we spent too much time together and he needed to focus on getting his real estate career together. Now I just want to point out that even though I spent everyday at his place he usually spent his days at the gym, at real estate meetings, or at starbucks trying to improve his business, and then at night he would do his serving shift at work so I really only saw him when it was time to sleep. So can someone explain to me what time was I getting? When we were on these relationship breaks nothing changed. Even though we weren’t quite together we still acted just like a couple. We would still go on dates every blue moon, we still spent every night together, and we agreed we wouldn’t deal with other people. I know, stupid me. When we were on these breaks I tried to give him the space he asked for but I was so damn attached that I literally felt that I couldn’t be away for him for more than two days and even on those two days apart I would stress myself tf out trying to figure out why he barley wanted to see me anymore and stayed blowing up his phone. I tried to convince myself I was in control but I was literally addicted. I started to feel that everything about me was wrong and I just wasn’t good enough which was why he was so distant. I was really going out sad. There is absolutely no reason for why I should have been damn near begging my longtime boyfriend to respect me or come see. Yet as effed up as it sounded, I still wasn’t strong enough to leave. I truly accepted all this BS and just believed that one day when he got his life on track he would be a better boyfriend. Sigh. So young. So dumb.

Anyways it seemed like this breakup was the real deal. Since I was done with school and no longer had a job, I decided to move back home with my mom until I got back on my feet. I remember tearfully telling my ex goodbye as I didn’t really want to go back home because that would mean less time with him. He didn’t show any emotion whatsoever. He promised me we would still be close friends and we would still visit each other and hangout and we were simply just taking this breakup to work on ourselves and he suggested we may even get back together. All of that was nothing but lies but i’ll post part two later.