Boundaries

One thing that I struggle with is upsetting people. I hate telling people no and possibly hurting their feelings. I want everyone to like me so I try not to disappoint them. Now, I am already aware that everyone I come across isn’t going to like me. I already know that trying to make everyone else happy is going to put me in some uncomfortable situations and have me doing things I don’t always want to do. Hell, not only do I know it but constantly experience it. So with that being said, the big question is WHY CANT I SAY NO?

Again, like many issues in my life I think this goes back to my self-esteem. I care too much about other’s opinions. I’m willing to put my wants to the side by agreeing to stuff I don’t want to do just to keep everyone else happy. Now I know a truly confident person doesn’t care what others think and knows that sometimes they have to put their needs first. They understand that some people aren’t always going to be happy about the fact they put themselves first. Especially if it doesn’t align with what the other person wants. Now I know these concepts but it’s time I start to apply them in my life. One good and necessary way to start would be by setting boundaries.

Now boundaries are limits of what you’re willing to tolerate and accept from yourself and others. In order to set boundaries I need to learn myself. What is my breaking point? What do I consider crossing the line? For one, if someone asks me for something or to do something and I get that little hesitant feeling then it’s probably necessary to set a boundary. Boundaries are important because when you compromise your boundaries you are compromising your self-respect and more often than not people know when they’re taking advantage. Now sometimes they don’t know and genuinely don’t mean to but due to the fact i’m too scared to tell them or that i’m bothered by what they are asking of me they genuinely might not know.

In my case i’ve notice people who are aware i’m a people pleaser will often try to play on my emotions. They may use guilt trips, or just plain pressure. I have to develop tough skin and accept that I might piss some people off and that’s ok. I am not responsible for other people’s feelings. I deserve to be selfish with my time and energy. I don’t owe anyone anything. A few people not liking me isn’t going to ruin my life. What power do these people really have over me aside from being upset? Everyone does not deserve access to me

Now I l want to share some nice tips that I received about setting boundaries. Learning your limits is the first part of the battle. Learn when enough is enough so you can set those boundaries. Recognize what you are and are not comfortable doing? Ask yourself are you really doing this because it’s what you want to do or because it’s what someone else wants you to do? After you do a particular action or favor do you feel used afterwards? If your answer is that you do it for other people than it is time for you to draw that line. Start considering yourself. What would you rather do? Sometimes it’s hard to accept you’re hurting someone’s feelings but think about it this way. Are they considerate of your feelings?

Which leads me to my second point. When setting boundaries communication is key. I need to learn how to let others know how I feel and be honest. Most of the times I try to sugar coat things and be as nice as possible but it doesn’t seem like people seem to get the hint. I usually find myself easily intimidated which is another reason I need to get my confidence up. If the people I am trying so hard to please care about my feelings then they would be more considerate about putting me in such awkward situations once I express how I feel. After I tell them how I feel I need to tell them what my boundaries for them are. This part seems easier said than done because im often too scared of either hurting someone’s feeling or they’re not going to be happy with me. So, if nothing changes after I express my emotions and boundaries then I need to consider that a red flag. Furthermore, if they’re upset because i’m choosing to put myself first and i’m demanding respect for myself than that says alot about the person they are and now I should reconsider whether they really deserve a role in my life.

Another good point is to stop trying to force the harmony. Even though I want to be well liked, like I said earlier, making sure every single person I come across likes me is impossible. I know if I don’t stop, I will drive myself insane trying. I am not responsible for how others feel about me. Hell I could be going out of my way for people and they still might not like me, they might just like what I do for them. As much as I dislike it, I have to accept that fact. I was not put on this Earth to do everything everyone asks of me.

Another thing I need to do is get into the habit of saying no. I’ve always heard the phrase “That the more you practice saying no, the easier it becomes”. If I learn to make this a habit people’s emotions will start to feel like less of an obligation to me. I just have to practice it and stay consistent and pretty soon the word will be rolling off my tongue. Now at first I may feel guilty but that’s where mental discipline comes in. I have to remind myself I am not responsible for other’s feelings. I need to practice it, recite it, and truly believe it. Say no and stand on it. I also need to realize I don’t need a excuse or reason to say no. If I don’t want to then that’s should be enough. I’m just not interested. It’s really that simple. I do not and should not have to explain myself. If someone can’t understand that than that is their problem, not mine.