After moving back home to my mom’s I did all I could to maintain my so called friendship with my ex with hopes that it would turn back into a romantic relationship. I called or texted him every single day. I should have known something was different because he never called or texted me first and his replies to my texts were even later than before. Even though he promised we were still friends he never offered to come see me so I was desperate enough to constantly offer to drive a hour to see him. He declined every time. Eventually he finally said yes. We agreed that we would meet up at my old college apartment since the lease wasn’t up yet. I happily made that drive in hopes that this visit would put us on better terms. Once I made it I called and asked him what time he was coming? He said that he couldn’t because he would be really busy studying that night since he re enrolled in school earlier that semester. I offered to come to his place while he studied and a few hours later he texted with the reply that he was going out with his boys. I texted him furious that he let me drive out here when he clearly had no intention of seeing me. I went home the next morning pissed beyond all belief but that anger towards him did not last long. After a few days I was back on his line convinced that he still loved me and was just playing games. I mean after the emotional rollercoaster I let him put me through I was hell-bent that this relationship would work. Idk why I believed that because our so-called friendship was dying about as bad as our relationship did. But despite all these clear signs I wasn’t giving up that easily.
Clearly I just didn’t know when enough was enough because whatever we once had was dead and buried at this point. Our so called friendship was struggling just as bad as the relationship was. I initiated every text conversation and his already slow replies were even slower. I initiated every phone call and he rarely picked up and when he did he was hardly on the phone for more than a few minutes. He never offered to come see me so I always offered to come see him and every single attempt ended in a curve. Whenever I mentioned to him how he was being a crappy friend he did what he did best and would flip the whole situation on me. He would complain that I was stressing him out by nagging and he threatened to cut me off if I continued to do it. This boy was really a professional manipulator. He was upset at me because I was trying to make him keep the promises he made to me. Like I was really trying to teach a grown man how to be a friend, not my man, but just a simple friend. Lord it’s embarrassing to think back that I went out that sad.
After about a month of dry texting he finally agreed to let me spend the night with him it was horrible. He barely even acknowledged my presence the whole time. The next morning I told him how I was disappointed about the visit and he promised that the next time would go so much better. Even though I was pissed I was given some hope about the fact he mentioned there would be a next time and I felt slightly lucky that I was even at his house again in the first place when since we hardly talked in weeks.
After that the same routine continued. I constantly reached out to him, he barely responded. I would tell him that this isn’t how a friendship is supposed to work and he would complain I was stressing him out and would threaten to cut me off because he knew no matter how shitty he treated me I never wanted to lose all contact with him (Even though I should’ve). After a while I got tired of this same old same old situation grew a back-bone and decided that if we were gonna be friends he was going to have to put in some work. We didn’t talk for a good month and the message was finally becoming painfully clear. Then one day at work the moment I was waiting for finally came. I saw his name flash across my screen. The message he sent shattered my heart. It read “I have a girl, we’ve been together for months now and we can’t communicate at all”. I was devastated. Now it all made sense. The extra late replies, the reason he stood me up that one time, the reason I barely existed the one time I did visit him, the reason he tried to say I was stressing him out when I was on his case about keeping his promises. He was just stringing me along, he already had a girlfriend. The fact that they’ve been together for months according to him when I was just over there about two months ago was just another bullet to add to my list about how he was a dog.
To say that I handled this well would be a lie. Ya girl was heartbroken. For months I literally felt a physical pain in my chest that refused to go away. . I was sad 24/7 and the only thing I could focus on was how could my once perfect fairy tale transform into this nightmare? It was hell trying to move on from the memories of the good times we had together. Sad breakup songs were a new everyday routine. I wasn’t eating right. I randomly had crying spells, even on days I thought I was ok. For a minute I closed off my heart from the idea of love and vowed to never let a man get that close to me again because I never wanted to another soul to ever be able to cut me this deep again. Even though he treated me horribly I didn’t think he would stoop that low. As if I wasn’t already down I had to make matters worse by lurking. I quickly found their social media accounts and realized she was posting about him about two weeks after we officially broke up. Clearly he needed me out of the picture so he could get with her conscious free although he’d been entertaining me all while they were together.
The only thing that hurt worse than that discovery was seeing the treatment this new girl got. He was spoiling her with flowers, taking her on nail shop dates, picnics, pool dates, stuff I used to ask for but never got. Instead I got criticized and yelled at for suggesting them because he didn’t have the time. I taught this man how to be the perfect gentleman for someone else. It also hurt to see that the she didn’t have all the qualities he used to criticize me about. She didn’t have the instagram small waist big butt figure, in some of her pictures her nails wasn’t always done, although she did have more hair than me she didn’t always wear a weave and she didn’t always dress girly or wear makeup. If I lacked in any of these areas it was a problem but for her it’s just fine. I couldn’t stop comparing us and my number one question was What was so wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough? Just like that three years went down the drain and everything that I put up with was for nothing.
As I worked towards healing my broken heart I had to put things into perspective. Chances are he wasn’t my soulmate to begin with. I’m no love expert by any means but someone constantly criticizing me, belittling me and making me cry on a daily basis probably wasn’t the man God wanted me to have, no matter how great he could be at times or how much fun we had together every once in awhile. We had been together for quite some time and honestly I was beginning to think heavily about the idea of marriage and moving in together. If visiting him was a tense situation than living in a house with him everyday probably wouldn’t have been the best idea.
I also realized I had a lot of work on me that I needed to do. My self esteem has always been low and being with him didn’t make it any better. If I was more confident and realized that I deserved better I probably would have left a long time ago. He made it perfectly clear several times through his actions that he didn’t respect me and I should have strutted my Beyonce walk out the door a long time ago. I tried to use my new found single time for healing and self care. For starters I talked to God more and laid down my problems before him and trust he would heal my broken heart. I started going to church and praying to him and reading my bible more. I also begin to attend therapy sessions and started practicing positive self-talk, meditating, limiting my time on social media and started reading more self-help books. I regularly exercise and have even created vision boards of all the future goals I aspire to achieve. I am taking it upon myself to learn to love myself and realize I am a queen. I deserve so much more than what I settled for.
He also taught me alot about setting standards as well which is why I learned not to hate him after everything that occured. He taught me how to trust actions over words. After seeing how he treated his new girl I now live by the quote that “If a man really wants to he would.” My ex constantly said he wanted space from me to focus on his career aspirations but he had no problem sharing his space with a new female just a few short weeks later. Sometimes you’re not asking for too much, you’re just asking the wrong person. No woman should have to beg or plead for respect, communication, quality time, or consistency. That’s literally the bare minimum. I’ll be honest, since him i’ve even entertained some men who still probably weren’t worth my time time in all honestly but I am learning and growing everyday. A year later I am still working on loving myself and setting standards and practicing self care. I will not continue to sell myself short. I need to learn my worth because I can’t associate myself let alone date anyone that doesn’t. I’m way too bomb to be treated like i’m some regular. However, I’m not beautiful because they thought I was. I am beautiful because God and I both say that I am.
One Day At A Time 