As a young woman in my twenties, I think that I am probably in a confusing time in my life. Myself as well as my close friends are all close in age yet we’re all in different stages in our lives. Some of us are trying to get into school programs and get our careers together, some of us live on our own and are completely independent, some of us still live at home with our parents and some of us are in serious relationships getting married and starting families while some of us (i.e. me) think we’ll see the return of Jesus before a decent man finds us. Quarantine and life has had me doing alot of self reflecting about myself and what am I doing with my life as well as my identity.

A text that I recently received from a stranger asked me a really good question that inspired this prompt? Who Am I? TBH i’m not even entirely sure what my answer is. I normally base my identity as a survivor of certain experiences from my past or I base it off of the woman I aspire to be but I have never based it off of me in present time. As a person who is currently trying to heal herself and love herself it’s important to move on from my past so I can no longer base my identity on who I used to be or those experiences. I don’t want to continue to identify myself as the girl who was once bullied, or once homeless, or the girl with low self-esteem who was in a toxic relationship and let people take advantage of her. That was then so the million dollar question is who am I NOW?

This is why healing and moving on is so important. So you are able to discover who you really are. You have to do some deep digging and self-growth to figure these type of things out and sometimes the process can be difficult and lonely but very much necessary. Isolate yourself, write out some goals, figure out what you want out of life, find some hobbies, what motivates you, What type of personality and heart do you have? Your past can be apart of your story but it does not have to be your whole story. There is more to you than that, it was simply a chapter.

So to answer my own question focusing on the present who am I? I am a young woman who is in a state of healing. With each day I am trying methods to become my best self and overcome my depression and anxiety. Sometimes I relapse and that is ok as long as I keep trying. I am a God-fearing woman who is working to get closer to God. I have a really kind and generous heart and need to learn how to set boundaries. I am learning to be true to myself and love who I am. Some days are harder than others but I am trying. I am a introvert but I thank God for the friends and family I do have because they are genuine and it’s usually a good time when we’re together. I have goals to become an occupational therapist that I am working towards. I do not have it all figured out but I do trust that God will guide me. I do want to have a genuine, healthy relationship with my soulmate but I want to learn to love myself so I can finally realize and accept that I deserve the very best and not settle for a man that has any less to offer and isn’t capable or willing to give me queen treatment. I do have many life lessons that I am trying to learn but overall my goals for myself are to deepen my relationship with God, fall in love with myself, improve my mental health, achieve my career as an occupational therapist, accumulate wealth, and build a healthy relationship with my soulmate.

Does anyone else look back on past friendships, relationships and situations and just feel disgusted for tolerating it? If so then you can relate to how i’ve been feeling as of lately. My past consists of a toxic ex- boyfriend, dead-end situationships, shady ex friends, several people that put me down and people that only dealt with me because I was always doing them favors, even when I wanted to say no. When I look back on these situations I feel anger, regret, and sadness because I know i’m a good person that deserved better but didn’t have the confidence to walk away. I have been experiencing these emotions a lot as of late because I replay these situations in my mind constantly and it affects my happiness and my confidence level.

I’ll be the first to admit that it’s hard to forget my past but thankfully I’ve come to realize I don’t have to. However, if I want to move forward in my life I do need to learn how to heal from it. Healing does not mean to block out everything i’ve been through but instead of constantly living in the past and focusing on what i’ve been through and what hurt me I need to shift my focus to my present and be grateful for where i’m at as well as focus on speaking positivity into existence for the future I wish to have. I also need to learn how to free myself of my feelings of guilt and shame. If I keep thinking about these old situations and living in those emotions then i’m not giving myself the room I need to move on. Anytime I feel myself thinking about those situations or experience those emotions I focus on mindfulness. I close my eyes, acknowledge what I am feeling and shift my thoughts to something more positive like me driving my dream car, having my dream career, living in my dream house, or being surrounded by people that genuinely love me, or focus on all the things I am currently thankful for while I mentally recite positive affirmations of self-love and forgiveness. I have to realize I am more and I deserve to move on and experience genuine inner peace and happiness.

So baby girl I want to say I forgive you. I forgive you for believing all those people who made you feel as if you weren’t good enough. I forgive you for comparing yourself to others all these years and believing you weren’t pretty enough, weren’t smart enough or just invisible. I forgive you for thinking you had to stay in that relationship because you were too damaged for someone to truly love you how you deserve to be loved. I forgive you for putting all those negative thoughts about yourself in your head. I forgive you for those times you felt your life wasn’t worth living. I forgive you for everything you tolerated because you had such low standards and thought there was something wrong with you. I forgive you for feeling so weak and small and inferior to others. I forgive you for the times you didn’t stand up for yourself. I forgive you but now you need to realize that all that is in the past. You believe whatever you feed your mind so feed it positive thoughts.

Your past does not define you by any means, nor does it determine your worth. If anything it was a tough learning lesson. It’s the old you. They’re situations you no longer tolerate because you love yourself and realize you are a queen. You have the ability to be powerful, to be magical, to be someone extraordinary. You just have to believe it. How others made you feel does not define you. You and only you can do that. You believe what you put in your mind. So fill it with love and kindness. You deserve to give yourself the same love you give to everyone else. Instead of focusing so much on the past that you cannot change be grateful that was then and this is now. Appreciate where you are in life now and focus on who and what you want to become. Clearly you’re on this Earth for reason. We need your personality, your gift. Whatever it is you have to offer it is needed.

After moving back home to my mom’s I did all I could to maintain my so called friendship with my ex with hopes that it would turn back into a romantic relationship. I called or texted him every single day. I should have known something was different because he never called or texted me first and his replies to my texts were even later than before. Even though he promised we were still friends he never offered to come see me so I was desperate enough to constantly offer to drive a hour to see him. He declined every time. Eventually he finally said yes. We agreed that we would meet up at my old college apartment since the lease wasn’t up yet. I happily made that drive in hopes that this visit would put us on better terms. Once I made it I called and asked him what time he was coming? He said that he couldn’t because he would be really busy studying that night since he re enrolled in school earlier that semester. I offered to come to his place while he studied and a few hours later he texted with the reply that he was going out with his boys. I texted him furious that he let me drive out here when he clearly had no intention of seeing me. I went home the next morning pissed beyond all belief but that anger towards him did not last long. After a few days I was back on his line convinced that he still loved me and was just playing games. I mean after the emotional rollercoaster I let him put me through I was hell-bent that this relationship would work. Idk why I believed that because our so-called friendship was dying about as bad as our relationship did. But despite all these clear signs I wasn’t giving up that easily.

Clearly I just didn’t know when enough was enough because whatever we once had was dead and buried at this point. Our so called friendship was struggling just as bad as the relationship was. I initiated every text conversation and his already slow replies were even slower. I initiated every phone call and he rarely picked up and when he did he was hardly on the phone for more than a few minutes. He never offered to come see me so I always offered to come see him and every single attempt ended in a curve. Whenever I mentioned to him how he was being a crappy friend he did what he did best and would flip the whole situation on me. He would complain that I was stressing him out by nagging and he threatened to cut me off if I continued to do it. This boy was really a professional manipulator. He was upset at me because I was trying to make him keep the promises he made to me. Like I was really trying to teach a grown man how to be a friend, not my man, but just a simple friend. Lord it’s embarrassing to think back that I went out that sad.

After about a month of dry texting he finally agreed to let me spend the night with him it was horrible. He barely even acknowledged my presence the whole time. The next morning I told him how I was disappointed about the visit and he promised that the next time would go so much better. Even though I was pissed I was given some hope about the fact he mentioned there would be a next time and I felt slightly lucky that I was even at his house again in the first place when since we hardly talked in weeks.

After that the same routine continued. I constantly reached out to him, he barely responded. I would tell him that this isn’t how a friendship is supposed to work and he would complain I was stressing him out and would threaten to cut me off because he knew no matter how shitty he treated me I never wanted to lose all contact with him (Even though I should’ve). After a while I got tired of this same old same old situation grew a back-bone and decided that if we were gonna be friends he was going to have to put in some work. We didn’t talk for a good month and the message was finally becoming painfully clear. Then one day at work the moment I was waiting for finally came. I saw his name flash across my screen. The message he sent shattered my heart. It read “I have a girl, we’ve been together for months now and we can’t communicate at all”. I was devastated. Now it all made sense. The extra late replies, the reason he stood me up that one time, the reason I barely existed the one time I did visit him, the reason he tried to say I was stressing him out when I was on his case about keeping his promises. He was just stringing me along, he already had a girlfriend. The fact that they’ve been together for months according to him when I was just over there about two months ago was just another bullet to add to my list about how he was a dog.

To say that I handled this well would be a lie. Ya girl was heartbroken. For months I literally felt a physical pain in my chest that refused to go away. . I was sad 24/7 and the only thing I could focus on was how could my once perfect fairy tale transform into this nightmare? It was hell trying to move on from the memories of the good times we had together. Sad breakup songs were a new everyday routine. I wasn’t eating right. I randomly had crying spells, even on days I thought I was ok. For a minute I closed off my heart from the idea of love and vowed to never let a man get that close to me again because I never wanted to another soul to ever be able to cut me this deep again. Even though he treated me horribly I didn’t think he would stoop that low. As if I wasn’t already down I had to make matters worse by lurking. I quickly found their social media accounts and realized she was posting about him about two weeks after we officially broke up. Clearly he needed me out of the picture so he could get with her conscious free although he’d been entertaining me all while they were together.

The only thing that hurt worse than that discovery was seeing the treatment this new girl got. He was spoiling her with flowers, taking her on nail shop dates, picnics, pool dates, stuff I used to ask for but never got. Instead I got criticized and yelled at for suggesting them because he didn’t have the time. I taught this man how to be the perfect gentleman for someone else. It also hurt to see that the she didn’t have all the qualities he used to criticize me about. She didn’t have the instagram small waist big butt figure, in some of her pictures her nails wasn’t always done, although she did have more hair than me she didn’t always wear a weave and she didn’t always dress girly or wear makeup. If I lacked in any of these areas it was a problem but for her it’s just fine. I couldn’t stop comparing us and my number one question was What was so wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough? Just like that three years went down the drain and everything that I put up with was for nothing.

As I worked towards healing my broken heart I had to put things into perspective. Chances are he wasn’t my soulmate to begin with. I’m no love expert by any means but someone constantly criticizing me, belittling me and making me cry on a daily basis probably wasn’t the man God wanted me to have, no matter how great he could be at times or how much fun we had together every once in awhile. We had been together for quite some time and honestly I was beginning to think heavily about the idea of marriage and moving in together. If visiting him was a tense situation than living in a house with him everyday probably wouldn’t have been the best idea.

I also realized I had a lot of work on me that I needed to do. My self esteem has always been low and being with him didn’t make it any better. If I was more confident and realized that I deserved better I probably would have left a long time ago. He made it perfectly clear several times through his actions that he didn’t respect me and I should have strutted my Beyonce walk out the door a long time ago. I tried to use my new found single time for healing and self care. For starters I talked to God more and laid down my problems before him and trust he would heal my broken heart. I started going to church and praying to him and reading my bible more. I also begin to attend therapy sessions and started practicing positive self-talk, meditating, limiting my time on social media and started reading more self-help books. I regularly exercise and have even created vision boards of all the future goals I aspire to achieve. I am taking it upon myself to learn to love myself and realize I am a queen. I deserve so much more than what I settled for.

He also taught me alot about setting standards as well which is why I learned not to hate him after everything that occured. He taught me how to trust actions over words. After seeing how he treated his new girl I now live by the quote that “If a man really wants to he would.” My ex constantly said he wanted space from me to focus on his career aspirations but he had no problem sharing his space with a new female just a few short weeks later. Sometimes you’re not asking for too much, you’re just asking the wrong person. No woman should have to beg or plead for respect, communication, quality time, or consistency. That’s literally the bare minimum. I’ll be honest, since him i’ve even entertained some men who still probably weren’t worth my time time in all honestly but I am learning and growing everyday. A year later I am still working on loving myself and setting standards and practicing self care. I will not continue to sell myself short. I need to learn my worth because I can’t associate myself let alone date anyone that doesn’t. I’m way too bomb to be treated like i’m some regular. However, I’m not beautiful because they thought I was. I am beautiful because God and I both say that I am.

One thing that I struggle with is upsetting people. I hate telling people no and possibly hurting their feelings. I want everyone to like me so I try not to disappoint them. Now, I am already aware that everyone I come across isn’t going to like me. I already know that trying to make everyone else happy is going to put me in some uncomfortable situations and have me doing things I don’t always want to do. Hell, not only do I know it but constantly experience it. So with that being said, the big question is WHY CANT I SAY NO?

Again, like many issues in my life I think this goes back to my self-esteem. I care too much about other’s opinions. I’m willing to put my wants to the side by agreeing to stuff I don’t want to do just to keep everyone else happy. Now I know a truly confident person doesn’t care what others think and knows that sometimes they have to put their needs first. They understand that some people aren’t always going to be happy about the fact they put themselves first. Especially if it doesn’t align with what the other person wants. Now I know these concepts but it’s time I start to apply them in my life. One good and necessary way to start would be by setting boundaries.

Now boundaries are limits of what you’re willing to tolerate and accept from yourself and others. In order to set boundaries I need to learn myself. What is my breaking point? What do I consider crossing the line? For one, if someone asks me for something or to do something and I get that little hesitant feeling then it’s probably necessary to set a boundary. Boundaries are important because when you compromise your boundaries you are compromising your self-respect and more often than not people know when they’re taking advantage. Now sometimes they don’t know and genuinely don’t mean to but due to the fact i’m too scared to tell them or that i’m bothered by what they are asking of me they genuinely might not know.

In my case i’ve notice people who are aware i’m a people pleaser will often try to play on my emotions. They may use guilt trips, or just plain pressure. I have to develop tough skin and accept that I might piss some people off and that’s ok. I am not responsible for other people’s feelings. I deserve to be selfish with my time and energy. I don’t owe anyone anything. A few people not liking me isn’t going to ruin my life. What power do these people really have over me aside from being upset? Everyone does not deserve access to me

Now I l want to share some nice tips that I received about setting boundaries. Learning your limits is the first part of the battle. Learn when enough is enough so you can set those boundaries. Recognize what you are and are not comfortable doing? Ask yourself are you really doing this because it’s what you want to do or because it’s what someone else wants you to do? After you do a particular action or favor do you feel used afterwards? If your answer is that you do it for other people than it is time for you to draw that line. Start considering yourself. What would you rather do? Sometimes it’s hard to accept you’re hurting someone’s feelings but think about it this way. Are they considerate of your feelings?

Which leads me to my second point. When setting boundaries communication is key. I need to learn how to let others know how I feel and be honest. Most of the times I try to sugar coat things and be as nice as possible but it doesn’t seem like people seem to get the hint. I usually find myself easily intimidated which is another reason I need to get my confidence up. If the people I am trying so hard to please care about my feelings then they would be more considerate about putting me in such awkward situations once I express how I feel. After I tell them how I feel I need to tell them what my boundaries for them are. This part seems easier said than done because im often too scared of either hurting someone’s feeling or they’re not going to be happy with me. So, if nothing changes after I express my emotions and boundaries then I need to consider that a red flag. Furthermore, if they’re upset because i’m choosing to put myself first and i’m demanding respect for myself than that says alot about the person they are and now I should reconsider whether they really deserve a role in my life.

Another good point is to stop trying to force the harmony. Even though I want to be well liked, like I said earlier, making sure every single person I come across likes me is impossible. I know if I don’t stop, I will drive myself insane trying. I am not responsible for how others feel about me. Hell I could be going out of my way for people and they still might not like me, they might just like what I do for them. As much as I dislike it, I have to accept that fact. I was not put on this Earth to do everything everyone asks of me.

Another thing I need to do is get into the habit of saying no. I’ve always heard the phrase “That the more you practice saying no, the easier it becomes”. If I learn to make this a habit people’s emotions will start to feel like less of an obligation to me. I just have to practice it and stay consistent and pretty soon the word will be rolling off my tongue. Now at first I may feel guilty but that’s where mental discipline comes in. I have to remind myself I am not responsible for other’s feelings. I need to practice it, recite it, and truly believe it. Say no and stand on it. I also need to realize I don’t need a excuse or reason to say no. If I don’t want to then that’s should be enough. I’m just not interested. It’s really that simple. I do not and should not have to explain myself. If someone can’t understand that than that is their problem, not mine.

Ladies I just want to tell you I salute you. If you’re trying to figure out how to love yourself in a world that tells you you’re not good enough I salute you. If you feel alone in this world but you’re trying to focus on the positive I salute you. If you feel invisible but still believe you have a purpose I salute you. If you’re trying to figure out how to make it happen whether on your own or with help I salute you. If you get up everyday with a smile on your face when it really takes all your strength just to get out of bed I salute you. If you’re maintaining faith that your current circumstances will get better I salute you. Ladies, I just want you to salute you because it’s not always easy but you’re still surviving.

I’ll admit, these past few days of quarantine have not been the easiest and I haven’t been quite myself. I’m an overthinker and staying home has put me deep in my feelings and had me feeling a little lonely. I want companionship but the men that come my way aren’t who I need at the moment. The men that acknowledge me and are men that expect me to beg for their attention once they have mine, or they are jobless or carless beggars that tend to keep me in around in case they need something and me personally, I refuse to play the fool. I’ve done that role once and I refuse to let it happen again.

Sometimes, it’s hard for me to maintain my confidence because the enemy tries to get in my head. For instance, sometimes I feel that I should feel lucky that a particular man noticed me. Sometimes I wonder if I should text or call a particular guy despite the fact that are not making an effort to text or call me. I am currently trying to teach myself that “If a man really wants to he would” and sometimes that’s a hard pill to swallow because if we’re being honest there’s no one thirstier than a man trying to pursue a woman. I know we’re all adults and we’re busy but I refuse to believe that anyone is too busy to press a few buttons to send a few texts or at least call at the end of their so called “busy day”. It’s funny how men are too busy to communicate with you just because they want to, but they never let being busy get in the way of asking for a favor or asking for some you know what. And if my past has taught me anything it’s that if I have to ask for your attention, or communication, or consistency then you aren’t for me. That’s legit the bare minimum, the LEAST you can do. If you can’t even manage time for something simple like phone calls and texts then how can I expect you to take make time for dates, quality time and be a reliable man that can be there when I need you.

Sometimes, I wonder if these failed relationship attempts are my fault? I usually call several times even if they don’t answer. I also text back crazy fast no matter how long i’ve been left on read so does that make me seem too eager or weak? I’m so used to B.S so sometimes I wonder if my standards are too low and guys sense that right off the bat. Or if a man shows potential red flags early on I tend to overlook them (something I need to stop doing). Sometimes I wonder if I was prettier would men treat me better and show more effort? But hell from what I see on social media even the most drop dead gorgeous females have dealt with some no good men.

It just gets exhausting getting my hopes up just to be disappointed. I know i’m a good woman. I’m not perfect, but I am a good woman, I just wish more men/people would see that. However, I know females that know they’re worth don’t beg for anyone to see it. Others either see it or they just simply let them miss out (Something i’m trying to learn). For some reason I tend to attract emotionally depressed men and I feel the need to help them by making myself overly available to them. Sometimes I think I need to help men emotionally and in whatever way else I can in order to make them like me more and treat me better. This is another habit from my past that I need to unlearn because someone else’s happiness is not my responsibility. I am not anyone’s rehabilitation center. Especially if I am still working on building myself. I need a man who is mentally in a healthy place so he can know how to treat me and vice versa. We’re all adults therefore I shouldn’t be trying to teach anyone how to treat me. That is not my job. Just like most of the men I tend to come across I am mentally struggling as well yet I don’t see any of them going the extra mile to help me so why should I do that for them. I learned from experience how toxic depending on someone else for happiness can be so I am determined to learn how to be happy on my own and set my standards higher. If you want my time you gotta have something to offer and be willing to put in the REQUIRED work.

Yes it gets lonely, but I can’t settle. I did it once and I will not allow my loneliness and feelings to allow just anybody to be by my side ever again. I need to realize I am special and everyone doesn’t deserve access to me. I need to learn my worth as a queen. I need to find a man that’s capable of giving me queen treatment which doesn’t include the queen always calling or texting to initiate the conversation, or trying to keep a dry conversation going, being there for a man when he strictly wants a favor or initiating all the links up. A real man pursues you. A real man makes time for you. A real man will remind you how special you are to him. A real man has his actions match his words. If a man is treating you like he doesn’t want you or you’re just a option then take those actions as a hint and move accordingly. Actions speak louder than words. It’s time for me to stop disrespecting myself by giving men who failed the first time multiple chances.

So ladies in short, if these men or anyone else in your life make you feel like anything else other than the amazing queen you are I just want to remind you that you do matter. No matter your looks, or circumstances in your life you are the Sugar Honey Iced Tea. You do matter. Take care of yourself first and stop looking for love in the wrong people. Fall in love with yourself again and the let the rest naturally follow. Practice self-care. Get dolled up for yourself, take pictures, speak positive affirmations, meditate, get in a church, find a passionate hobby, start working out, get back in school, start that business. Stop giving these f boys the time of day, you’re a grown woman, and as of today you no longer have time for them. Yes you may want him but is he really worth it if he only talks to you when he wants something or you have to be the initiator all the time and you’re putting in more effort than him? The world is yours. Please, Please, Please, practice loving yourself and realize you deserve better. It’s something I need to practice as well. Deal with people who give the same effort and energy you put out. Better yet, practice putting that energy into yourself until God sends you someone that can match it and remember. You are a queen and we do not beg so pick your head up and put that crown back on.

This post is about something that is very personal to me and near and dear to my heart and could be triggering to some. Recently, I came across a post where one of my favorite social media celebrities confessed she was in an abusive relationship. I found this shocking because I viewed this girl as drop dead gorgeous and talented and would assume she had guys falling at her feet daily. I could not imagine something like this happening to her because for one, with looks like that I would think she would leave a man as soon as he messed up and could have him replaced at the snap of a finger. Secondly, I couldn’t imagine a man being stupid enough to do anything that would risk losing a woman like her. However, her revelation showed me that even the prettiest, talented, and richest of people can fall victim to abusive relationships.

First off, I want to acknowledge that abuse can happen between literally anyone and can occur in more forms than physical. One reason I would know this is because I have experienced it. Sometimes it’s hard to recognize that you’re even in an abusive situation and it seems even harder to leave. So if you’re experiencing this regardless if it’s sexual, physical, or emotional I want you to stay strong and realize it’s not your fault and you don’t deserve what you’re going through. You are worth so much more than what you’re abuser wants you to feel and believe.

I always thought I was too smart to end up in an abusive relationship but it just goes to show you that you never know when you’re dealing with the devil in disguise. It all started about four years ago. I had just turned 21 and was dealing with some mental issues. My self-esteem was pretty low. For starters, I didn’t feel beautiful because my friends attracted a lot of male attention and would make shady remarks about how I didn’t. I felt invisible and as if I didn’t matter because my roommates/friends had a closer bond with each other than they did with me and I often felt left out. I was also ready to give up on love because I was sick of failed talking stages and getting my time wasted and college overall just had me stressed. So when my ex approached me at a party I felt that he would be everything that I thought I needed at the time. Someone to make me feel beautiful and wanted. Now don’t get me wrong, that’s how your partner is supposed to make you feel but you shouldn’t depend on your partner to make you feel that way. A lesson I would learn the hard way later on.

The beginning of our relationship was great. He took me on dates, he was consistent, and he payed me plenty of attention. Something I wasn’t used to at all. Slowly, I was starting to let my guard down. What really sold me over was when the spring semester ended and I had to move back home with my mom for the summer; he was willing to make a hour long drive every week to see me since I didn’t have a driving license. I just knew he was the one because I thought that drive was the ultimate commitment. By this point I was sprung.

I was so in love that I ignored several red flags that he showed earlier. Flags such as how he had road rage and used the excuse that that was how he released his anger. For example if someone cut him off, he just had to cut them back off, give them finger, honk a horn or something. He just couldn’t let it go. He would also rant to me about different scenarios at his job (He was a server) and would complain how everyone was stupid and lacked common sense in comparison to him. I ignored how he wanted me to do everything he did. For example, he wanted me to get a serving job like him, he used certain products for his skin and teeth and would encourage me to use the same, he gets synthetic oil for his car when he gets an oil change so he would always tell me that I should too. He was always telling me to do the same things as him as if he wanted me to live my life the exact way he lived his. I also ignored how he belittled black people (He was a nigerian from Boston) and believed we were all lazy ghetto and ignorant. I even overlooked the fact that he lied to me about being a college student when in fact, he dropped out a few years before he met me. I also ignored the pathetic sob story he gave me about how his ex left him. A story that did not make sense and could have been a lie now that I think about it.

Now about a year and a half into the relationship my fairytale romance began to crumble. My ex and I were living in the same student apartment complex building since the beginning of our relationship but we stayed in separate apartments.However, i’m not sure how he managed to continue living in student living apartments since he technically was no longer a student. Due to the closeness of our living arrangement we spent plenty of our free time together (much to my delight.) Well anyways one night, we were spending the night together like we always did and about 3 in the morning he got up to use the restroom. When he got out I asked him to warm me up a meat pie. (Now keep in mind the mini fridge, microwave, and restroom were all in his bedroom). Well after he warmed it up he threw it at me.

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I couldn’t fathom how a simple favor could make him so mad. I remember we got into a small argument and I curled up in his bed and cried myself to sleep while he slept beside me completely unbothered. This was just the beginning of many problems. Arguing started to become a regular routine for us. At first it didn’t seem so bad even though it was constantly the same thing. He would lose his temper, I would get frustrated, my feelings would get hurt, I would cry and then he would apologize, acknowledge he had anger issues and promised to work on it. I fell for it every time despite the fact nothing changed. Eventually he stopped apologizing for his outbursts. Whenever he did anything that made me feel a type of way I would try to express my emotions and he would just simply dismiss me by telling me I was too sensitive, or too emotional or making stuff a big deal and would justify his tantrum with the phrase “Look at it from my point of view”. Often times I would try to look at things from his point of view to try to reach common ground in our fights but he would never look at things from point of view. As far as he concerned I was always overreacting. He even told me told me that this was just who he was and I needed to learn to deal with it. Then I would feel guilty somehow and always ended up being the one apologizing even though he was the one who lost his temper. He always used to blame his outbursts on how he was so stressed. You see his dream was to be a real estate agent but he wasn’t closing any deals. He felt that he was behind on his goals and wasn’t where he wanted to be in life. The more disappointments he faced in his real estate career the more temperamental he became. He was also stressed because he hated his serving job, he was financially struggling, and he had to keep up the continuous lie to his parents that he was a college student. He also had deep self-esteem issues that stemmed from both school and home. Now granted, he did have a lot going on but what I should have realized earlier was that he had no reason to take his anger out on me. I was just as stressed as him yet I respected him, so why should stress be an excuse for him to disrespect me? I remember there was an incident close to two years into our relationship. It was the week of valentines day. All week he had been hyping up how I would love my gift and he couldn’t wait to show me what he had gotten me. I was excited because I really thought he had went all out since he had been treating me so bad. Well. Valentine’s day arrived. I gave him his gifts. I waited for mine with a smile on my face as I looked at him. This man looked at me said and I quote”Don’t look at me like that, you’ll get your shit tomorrow.” I could not believe the nerve. He was upset because I was expecting a gift. A gift that he lied to me and said he already had. If he needed more time he could have easily just said that my gift would have been late. I would have understood. A late gift would have been better than no gift. I never even got anything. I think he just took me to a restaurant a day or so afterwards. Even though I was disappointed I tried not to show it and was grateful to just have a valentine. It disgusts me now to think about how low my standards were. This was just one of the many moments in our relationship where I should have kicked his narcissistic behind to the curb.

Instead of realizing that he didn’t respect me I made excuses for him. I convinced myeslf that this wasn’t who he really was, he just didn’t know how to deal with his stress. I convinced myself that once he got his life on track he would go back to being the same prince charming he was when I first met him. I failed to realize that prince charming was just an act and I was really sleeping with the enemy. To make matters worse he began to constantly criticize and belittle me. I would express my insecurities to him about how I wanted to learn to be more feminine. Rather than help me feel secure and confident in myself he would constantly harass me about how I needed to get my nails done. I couldn’t afford to get them done at the time and I remember trying to keep them painted in hopes of keeping him satisfied but it didn’t. I also remember mentioning how he could pay for them since he wanted them done so bad. He never did. He also used to complain about the fact that I was more comfortable wearing jeans and sweats and complained that he wanted me to dress girly so he could “feel like he had a girlfriend” as he once put it. I remember about two years and a half years into our relationship I cut my hair into a pixie updo and dyed it red. I felt so cute with my short hair and got plenty of compliments. At first he would compliment me too, but then he would encourage that I needed a weave as short hair was not his preference. He also began to criticize other things about me like how I was too old to not know how to apply makeup, or the fact that I didn’t know how to cook and he refused to teach me. He would also make jokes about me as if I was remedial and jokingly talk to me as if I was a dog or a toddler. I actually didn’t like that but since he did it in a joking manner I let it slide and would joking play along because I knew how his temper was and didn’t want to start an argument. I also expressed to him how I was body conscious so he would criticise me if I skipped a gym day or ate anything unhealthy around him or complain that my workouts were child play and did not compare to his. He tried to justify that one by saying that it was his way of motivating me to be more healthy and make a healthy lifestyle change. At this point nothing about me seemed like I was good enough for him. I was stressing myself out daily trying to figure out what was so bad about me that he felt comfortable enough to yell and judge me all the time. My number one focus in life became trying to figure out what was I doing wrong? I truly started to believe that I wasn’t good enough for him and was letting myself go in some way. What did I need to do to get him treat me like he did the first year of our relationship when everything was good? I started to feel like a failure as a girlfriend and a woman because he couldn’t seem to treat me right. I began to place the blame on myself and think if I was prettier, or if my body was built a certain way, or if I acted a certain way than maybe he would treat me properly. Our relationship also became a lot more sexual because that was the only time I felt that I was good enough for him. I became so used to his tantrums and criticism that I started to truly believe that sex was the only thing I had offer.

At one point I was trying to find a new job but it wasn’t working out and I became very discouraged and not myself for awhile. Now sometimes he did uplift me and gave me positive talks, but other times I had days where I didn’t even want to get out of bed and he would berate me saying I was too negative to be around. Yet whenever he went into one of his depressive moods I tried my best to be his therapist and make him feel like a king. Funny how I could be there for him and his emotional needs but when I needed the same treatment it was a problem. Like huh? Excuse me?

As if it wasn’t clear enough that our relationship was unhealthy I remember about two and a half years in when my friends started to have input about us. I went on a trip with my friends/roomate. One of my friends mentioned how I was dating a yoruba nigerian which led my other friend to ask “How do you put up with him”? I guess bad attitudes and temper tantrums were a known cultural quality for yoruba nigerians. I wanted to reply “Trust me it is not easy” but I didn’t want to give away that there was trouble in our relationship so I just smiled and laughed off the question. I also remember talking to a friend about him and I would tell her about our arguments and she responded shocked with the question “He gets mad over little stuff like that?” I also remember talking to my coworker about my ex and how often he would blow up at me and she said that I needed someone who would treat me like a queen. Like a fool I didn’t bother to listen to anyone because rather than recognize I was being abused and manipulated I convinced myself that like all couples we were just experiencing a rough patch. I would rather go through this and hope and pray for the best than be single again.

Other problems in our relationship included the fact that we had been together for years and I had never met his parents. He claimed that they saw pictures of me and knew who I was but that could have been a lie too. He claimed that his parents had a hard time accepting the possibility of him dating a black girl and he claimed they weren’t fond of black people either. I never met his homeboys either. The only reason I met one was because he just so happened to come visit my ex while I was already there. I don’t know why I was ok with being a secret. I guess anything went as long as I could say I had a boyfriend. He was also going out to parties a lot more but never invited me to come with. He said that this was his time with the boys. This bothered me but I never pressed it because expressing how I felt usually led to a fight. He never offered to go out to a party or club, or bar with me. We even coincidentally ended up at the same party on two different occasions. The first time he seemed annoyed that I was around him and left early and on the second occasion, I texted him and discovered we were both outside on the same crowded party street filled with small bars. He didn’t even bother to come see me. Just texted me have fun.

That summer our relationship went from bad to worse. He moved to a nearby city. Even though he treated me like shit, I didn’t want to see him go. I wanted to have as much access to him as possible since I hated being alone. He promised nothing would change and we would still see each other damn near everyday. At first we were visiting each other frequently and it was nice. We were spending alone time in his new place, he was showing me all the nice restaurants in his neighborhood. Then his visits to my place became more rare and I usually had to beg him to come over so I took it upon myself to visit him more. After awhile he started to complain that I was suffocating him. He was right because I pretty much moved myself in since he was visiting me less. I was trying to keep our dying relationship together as much as possible even if that meant suffocating him. I figured that the more I came around, then maybe he would finally see my worth and start treating me how a boyfriend should. After a few months that move became the worse thing to happen to our relationship. His real estate career still wasn’t doing too well and his bills were higher now. His stress level was through the roof. His temper tantrums and criticism were pretty much daily now and as usual he was never wrong for it but I was somehow in the wrong for feeling hurt by him. I remember one time it was nighttime and I was on my way to visit him. I stopped at a gas station near his house to pick us up some tacos. I did something dumb and broke my car key. Panicked and not sure what to do I called him for help. He told me he would be there in about 10-15 mins as soon as he finished his shift. When he arrived he was very helpful for about a good 10 mins. While we waited for a tow truck he completely went off. He told me I was a burden, I made his life more difficult, he felt like he was taking care of a child and I stressed him out. I was a hysterical mess that believed every word and he didn’t even care or say sorry. He just tried to blame it on how he was concerned for my safety and said the fact that I didn’t know what to do in that situation worried him. Such a bullshit ass excuse. Anyways, once the tow truck driver arrived and told us how to remedy the situation he completely switched gears and calmed down as if he didn’t just fly off the deep end two minutes before. That transition was almost scary to watch. It was as if someone turned off a switch and he became a whole different person. He literally went from 100 to 0 in a second. That should have been the final sign that something was really mentally wrong with this man and that I needed to leave but I didn’t. This dysfunction was starting to become normal to me. About two months later the biggest day of my life to date occurred: my college graduation. Guessed who missed it? Yep, him. He gave some lousy excuse about his punctuality and needing to work that day. He didn’t even bother to meet my family afterwards for the dinner or buy me a grad gift. I accepted so much of his BS.

A few months later I got a new job. A serving job. He was happy because he had been trying to convince me to get a serving job just like him ever since we first met. He was happy until he realized it was down the street from his house. It wasn’t my intent to get a job so close to his house it was just that I was so desperate to quit my job and that restaurant was the first job to call me back. Well he was frustrated and told me that I couldn’t use my new job as an excuse to spend extra nights at his place if I was too lazy to drive back home.

Now that really should have told me this relationship was beyond done because what man complains about his girlfriend of 3 years trying to spend time with him. In fact things were so bad between us I had to negotiate when I could come visit him. I would ask things like if I come visit you on Friday is it ok if I stay until Wednesday? Do you all understand how crazy that sounds? Lots of times he would try to hint that I was overstaying my welcome by asking me when was I leaving? And more often than not when I did come over I was home alone. He was either always at work, the gym, real estate related meetings, or just at starbucks working on building his clientele. Looking back on it he was doing whatever it took to get away from me without hurting my feelings. Whenever he did come visit me at my place he usually came at night and left as early as he could the next morning. Getting to spend a whole day with him was beginning to feel like a privilege instead of normal. It was becoming clear that this man no longer wanted me but I refused to believe it or let our relationship die.

I don’t know why I fought as hard as I did for us because it was obvious he gave up and the quality of our relationship wasn’t even worth fighting for out this point. All I knew was that I loved this man and I saw the man he used to be and really believed from the bottom of my heart that one day he would return. Unfortunately, that man was gone and replaced with a judgmental and temperamental control freak. But as crazy as it sounds, I craved his approval, I craved his attention, I wanted him to make me feel wanted again like he used to. However, I was getting the opposite. His house started to feel like a battlefield. Ever since he moved into his new apartment he criticized and yelled at me then more than ever before. He was a ticking time bomb and I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around him because the slightest thing would elicit one of his infamous tantrums. In fact any time I made a mistake around him or I felt like I was on the verge of making him mad my instant reaction was to just start apologizing before a situation could even pop off. He hated when I did that but he failed to realize his anger was the reason why I often did stuff like that. Another defense mechanism of mine was that whenever I felt I messed up or was about to make him mad I would ask “What did I do” so I could hurry and fix the situation. He also hated when I did that and complained I sounded like his six year old nephew but again he failed to see that this was a natural reaction to all his tantrums that I had been putting up with for about two years now.

About a month after I got my serving job I lost it. To make matters worse my ex broke up with me. I didn’t take it that serious because for the past year he always called for breaks in our relationship. He usually called these breaks because he felt we spent too much time together and he needed to focus on getting his real estate career together. Now I just want to point out that even though I spent everyday at his place he usually spent his days at the gym, at real estate meetings, or at starbucks trying to improve his business, and then at night he would do his serving shift at work so I really only saw him when it was time to sleep. So can someone explain to me what time was I getting? When we were on these relationship breaks nothing changed. Even though we weren’t quite together we still acted just like a couple. We would still go on dates every blue moon, we still spent every night together, and we agreed we wouldn’t deal with other people. I know, stupid me. When we were on these breaks I tried to give him the space he asked for but I was so damn attached that I literally felt that I couldn’t be away for him for more than two days and even on those two days apart I would stress myself tf out trying to figure out why he barley wanted to see me anymore and stayed blowing up his phone. I tried to convince myself I was in control but I was literally addicted. I started to feel that everything about me was wrong and I just wasn’t good enough which was why he was so distant. I was really going out sad. There is absolutely no reason for why I should have been damn near begging my longtime boyfriend to respect me or come see. Yet as effed up as it sounded, I still wasn’t strong enough to leave. I truly accepted all this BS and just believed that one day when he got his life on track he would be a better boyfriend. Sigh. So young. So dumb.

Anyways it seemed like this breakup was the real deal. Since I was done with school and no longer had a job, I decided to move back home with my mom until I got back on my feet. I remember tearfully telling my ex goodbye as I didn’t really want to go back home because that would mean less time with him. He didn’t show any emotion whatsoever. He promised me we would still be close friends and we would still visit each other and hangout and we were simply just taking this breakup to work on ourselves and he suggested we may even get back together. All of that was nothing but lies but i’ll post part two later.

Hello. I am going to go by J on here. I am a 25 year old female from Dallas, TX. I am making this blog as a therapeutic exercise to discuss my struggles with mental health, confidence, anxiety, relationships, family, school and typical young adult struggles etc. These are all issues I’ve been struggling with for years but I am determined it gets better. I believe I will one day learn to love myself as well as my imperfections. I will flourish into the happy and healthy woman that God intended for me to be. This blog would be the perfect outlet for me to release my thoughts, talk about my experiences in life so far and maybe help anyone else who has similar struggles if they happen to read it.